


Stranger in my head

by Biket



Series: TsukkiYama Week 2020 [3]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Anxiety, Depression, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Social Media, TsukkiYama Week 2020, Tsukkiyama Week, Writer, artist
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-25
Updated: 2020-08-25
Packaged: 2021-03-06 18:21:54
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,962
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26113336
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Biket/pseuds/Biket
Summary: When Yamaguchi meets Tsukishima, no words are exchanged but it goes without saying that they both feel linked to the other. A lot of pencil strokes and a few paragraphs might be enough for them to connect in the most unexpected ways.
Relationships: Tsukishima Kei/Yamaguchi Tadashi
Series: TsukkiYama Week 2020 [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1892755
Comments: 4
Kudos: 47
Collections: TsukkiYama Week 2020





	Stranger in my head

**Author's Note:**

> Day 3 of Tsukkiyama Week - Artist & Writer!  
> At first I wanted to do something for the childhood prompt but then this happened and you know what? I'm proud of it  
> Enjoy!
> 
> (please mind the tags, don't read anything that might trigger you)

Yamaguchi was struggling these days.

He had everything to be happy, really. But he had come to the realization that it wasn’t because everything seemed to be good and normal that it actually was. He didn’t know what had caused it this time. Was it the deafening silence of his shitty apartment? Was it the constant fights of his neighbors who didn’t understand the simple concept of not living together if they couldn’t get along? Maybe. Or maybe it was the loneliness he’d been keeping at bay for two years now. 

Tokyo wasn’t a small city in any way and the college he was going to was the same, large. At first, he had thought he would make friends easily since he wasn’t his awkward past self anymore. He wouldn’t get bullied and he wouldn’t need to hide behind a barely good act. He had been the captain of a volleyball team after all. He could show some assurance when he needed to! He could be brave! That’s what he thought. After the first three weeks spent all by himself, too shy to greet other people, Yamaguchi had given up on being friends with anyone. 

Of course, he wasn’t completely alone. His best friend, Yachi, had come to Tokyo with him but had moved in with her girlfriend to be closer to their college and even if they saw each other quite often, it wasn’t the same. They didn’t have the same schedules, couldn’t go to lunch at the same time and since she was in studies involving a lot of different courses, she would often have classes early in the morning, thus preventing her from going to any parties with him. Not that Yamaguchi was a big fan of those anyway. 

He had actually made a friend during his first year, a guy named Terushima who had dropped out after the first semester to open his own tattoo parlor. Yamaguchi never really understood why the guy had chosen to be an art major instead of just doing his own thing just after finishing high school but he hadn’t said anything, happy for him. They still talked occasionally through texts but it wasn’t the same and Yamaguchi had the bad habit of isolating himself these days. 

This year, however, he had no one. Except maybe for the over enthusiast guy sitting next to him in most classes since he was as alone as Yamaguchi. His name was Goshiki and he was nice, really. In fact, they had already met during their last year as volleyball captains but they never really talked. And now, Yamaguchi was feeling self-conscious. What if it was too late to befriend him? What if would he do if the other guy didn’t want to have anything to do with him? And so Yamaguchi did nothing. He regretted it a lot but he just couldn’t do anything to push his anxiety aside even for a minute. He had tried but he had been under the impression his heart would explode and had never been willing to try again. And so he sat every day next to Goshiki, never talking to him except when he needed to, for the sake of group projects. 

Sometimes, Yamaguchi wished he would be more confident. 

Maybe that was the reason why he had created an Instagram profile dedicated to his art so he could share his drawings while being completely anonymous. When he logged every day into the account, he felt like another person. Like a new version of himself, more confident, more daring, more everything. Less him. He could talk to people, compliment other artists about their art, like everything he saw without wondering if it was too much or if he was bothering people with all the notifications they would get from him. The more he used the account, the more he felt like a normal person.

He had often felt like the black sheep amongst his peers. Always the boy without friends, the awkward guy who couldn’t hold a conversation for more than five minutes, the nervous dude who couldn’t talk without hesitating a bit too much. He was the odd one out and he always knew it. But on the internet, it was different. He could be anything he wanted to be and no one would ever recognize him through the act he put on, he was safe. Yamaguchi felt almost invincible. 

Almost. 

Around the same time, he had started to post his art on the precious account, and at first, he didn’t have too much feedback. Yamaguchi had been disappointed but also incredibly relieved. Of course, he wanted his drawings to be seen and appreciated but it was also one of the most terrifying things in the world. But then he had done a few challenges and had started to gain more followers week after week and now, he had four thousand people following him, liking his posts, sharing his account. It was terrifying.

It was exhilarating.

Except that it meant he was supposed to keep up with them. He had to post regularly, at least that’s what he told himself. He knew a lot of his followers wouldn’t mind him taking a break at times, he knew it. But a certain part of his brain couldn’t handle this ‘laziness’. Yamaguchi always had this little voice in his head telling him he wasn’t good enough and now, this same voice had adopted a different discourse. _Your art isn’t good enough. You’ll never make a living with it. The haters are right, it’s nothing but absolute shit. You don’t need a break, not with that poor excuse for art you do. You’re not that talented._

_They’re all lying._

Were they? 

Yamaguchi knew he shouldn’t feel so worked up about it. He was still a student, his parents were still supporting him financially speaking and he still had time to figure out what he wanted to do with his life. But sometimes… Sometimes everything was just a bit too much and he wished he wouldn’t be here. He wished he would be in another dimension where time would stop and he could draw all day without having to worry about having good grades, earning money, and doing groceries to eat other things than the soggy yet unhealthy fries he loved so much. Sometimes, he felt like life was too much for him. 

That was the same times when he couldn’t get out of bed for days. The same times he would ‘forget’ to shower for three days in a row because he simply couldn’t get himself to stand up, gather some clothes, wash his body, put on the clothes. It was too much and for what? For staying in his apartment, doing absolutely nothing since he didn’t have the strength to go to class or even draw a simple line? He couldn’t even gather the courage to cook himself something to eat, what was the point in showering, in going to class? Those days were the worst and Yamaguchi hated how those periods of time would just come and go. He could feel it coming, usually. But sometimes, he would just wake up and wish he didn’t, wish he wouldn’t be here anymore because it was too much. 

But today, he had been kind of lucky.

When he woke up this morning, he felt the usual numbness but he still had the strength to sit up and decide if he could do something about it. Yamaguchi knew there wasn’t much to do, actually. But over time, he had found different ways to keep the numbness on hold, at least for a few hours, maybe a few days sometimes. He had eaten some cheap cereals, showered, and then he had decided to go for a walk, headphones in his ears, and sketchbook with supplies in the bag he always carried with him.

After an hour of walking without really going anywhere, Yamaguchi came to a stop, glancing at the park in front of him. He wanted to go home, to run away from the eyes of the people in the street even though the sane part of his brain knew nobody was paying attention to him. But he still felt like needles were being pressed through his neck, his skull, his back. He took a deep breath and chose to take a step forward. He would go to the park, he would sit on the grass and maybe he would draw. He wouldn’t let the cold hand squeezing his heart ruin the day for him. Not today. Not again.

When he finally let himself fall on the grass, Yamaguchi felt relief wash all over him. He wasn’t really alone, there was a couple on a bench about twenty meters away and kids running wild not far from him. But it was better than the overpopulated street, better than all the noises in the background, the traffic, the pedestrians in a hurry, and everything he could hear despite his music going at full volume in his ears. 

Yamaguchi took the time to just lay in the grass, eyes closed, and listening to the sound of the leaves trembling under the pressure of the light morning wind. He almost felt at peace, head empty, chest not so heavy anymore. He breathed in and then out before doing it again and again until he felt a bit better. He knew it was only temporary. He knew he couldn’t just erase what he was feeling, whatever it was. Things didn’t work like that. But sometimes, it felt good to try. 

After a moment, the freckled boy opened his bag and took his sketchbook and a pencil, looking at his surroundings to see if there was something he could draw. He wasn’t that good with backgrounds and buildings yet, he was still working on it and doubted his current mindset would do any good to his art style, especially for something he was struggling with. He could draw some birds, some trees seen from up close. He could…

Yamaguchi stopped thinking for a second. 

In his world colored in grey, a white light was standing out. 

He frowned.

The white light wasn’t a light at all in fact. It was a boy. 

A boy who seemed to approximatively be his age, with blond hair slightly curling and a look that could kill a man. He wasn’t wearing anything too noticeable, just a pair of black jeans, a yellow sweater with a jacket to keep the morning cold away. He wasn’t anything unique, truly. But to Yamaguchi’s eyes, there was something special about him. A sort of shining aura flowing out of him. Out of reach for the people walking around him, but it was there nonetheless and Yamaguchi felt attracted by it. 

He smiled a little.

He knew what he would draw today.

* * *

| _Annoying orange head_  
TSUKISHIMAAAAAAA  
DID YOU SEE THE NEW POST OF @soggy.fries ????  
| _Dino lover_  
Uh  
Not yet, why?  
| _Annoying orange head_  
You have to see it!  
RIGHT  
NOW  
!!!

Tsukishima groaned. 

He really didn’t know why he was still keeping in touch with Hinata. Maybe because his former teammate was stubborn and couldn’t take no for an answer, at least when it was coming from Tsukishima. He had tried to cut ties with everyone he knew after the end of high school, especially since he wasn’t really close to anyone back then. The people he had been spending time with during this period of his life were his teammates and he couldn’t call that kind of relationship a ‘friendship’, not really. Not when he categorically refused countless times to go out with the team and do all sorts of fun activities with them. He wasn’t that type of guy. 

To feel good, Tsukishima needed peace and quiet, nothing else. That was another reason why he couldn’t understand his own choice of having a roommate. Sure, he was struggling a bit financially, he was too proud to ask his parents for help especially since the main reason why he needed money was that he had been fired from his job for being ‘an inconvenience’. The truth was that he had never been the patient type, customers were all dumb as fuck and he wasn’t going to sugarcoat his words to avoid hurting the ego of anyone.

It wasn’t his fault if they couldn’t take it.

But now he was stuck with a loud roommate he simply couldn’t stand. Well, he could. But he would never admit it, the guy would never shut up about it otherwise. Yet, Kuroo had learned to respect his boundaries. A little, at least. He knew when he couldn’t under any circumstances bother Tsukishima and when it was tolerable for him to talk endlessly about the pretty gamer he would usually donate to on youtube. The former middle blocker hadn’t bothered to tell him it was stupid of him to donate his money and then complain regularly that their apartment’s price was too high for two college struggling college students. 

And here he thought business majors were smart with their money.

Sighing, Tsukishima opened Instagram on his phone and scrolled through his few followings to find the artist Hinata bothered him with. He was supposed to write, his phone should have been on silent but he had, once again, wrongly thought nobody would contact him today. It was Sunday for fuck’s sake! Weren’t people sleeping all day on Sunday? He couldn’t know, for him this day was always spent writing, proofreading, and trying not to get lost on the internet searching for a piece of almost useless information that would represent only six words in his final draft. 

Tsukishima loved writing, really. Otherwise, he wouldn’t be doing literature studies, but sometimes it was exhausting. 

And sometimes, he didn’t have any inspiration.

The ideas were all there, in his brain. But they just wouldn’t write themselves on his computer. When would a device converting thoughts in formed and corrected paragraphs be invented? He desperately needed that kind of thing.

When the inspiration wouldn’t come, he usually would get on his phone and look through his social media to find some art he could base an idea from. Not to write anything pretentious but something small and simple, something he could forget right after. Something like what he had done three days ago except those words just wouldn’t leave him alone and maybe that was why he couldn’t seem to focus on whatever he was trying to do until now. 

Three days ago, Tsukishima had stumbled upon the cutest boy he ever saw. Well, he didn’t exactly stumble upon him, he just saw him in a park, lying on the grass and drawing on a sketchbook while he himself was taking a break after his morning classes. Quite often, he had caught him staring at him before going back to what he was doing but Tsuishima hadn’t said anything. Usually, he would have come up to the stranger to ask what was his problem but he hadn’t felt like it, not this time. He hadn’t said anything and, when the other guy left, he had done the same, questions filling his head. 

When he had come back the next day, the other wasn’t there. Tsukishima hated that he could still feel the disappointment he had felt going through him two days ago. 

Right now, he was still trying to get the stranger out of his head but it seemed to be an impossible task at the moment. 

Tsukishima stopped thinking, his thumb hovering above the bright screen of his phone. _What the fuck_. There in front of him, his reflection. He blinked and even pinched himself to check if he wasn’t dreaming or if his phone was really unlocked and if he really was on the profile page of his _favorite_ artist. But no. His phone was unlocked, he was indeed on Instagram and he was looking at a sketch. Of him. His mind had gone blank as he read the caption.

**soggy.fries** _it’s just a sketch, I’ll finish it later but I thought I’d post it. I saw this guy a few days ago and was struck by the light coming from him! He wasn’t smiling though, so I had to guess what he would look like while smiling and here we are! I’ve been feeling a bit down these days and needed something new to focus on, guess this drawing will do..._

Then there was an apology for not being active and other things Tsukishima didn’t care about. In a different situation, he would have read the entire caption, not caring one bit about how long it actually was. But right now, he had to deal with the fact that his _favorite artist_ had drawn _him. Smiling._

What the fuck. 

Tsukishima chuckled. It was an awkward chuckle followed by an awkward laugh half stuck in his throat. He felt like he was living in a dream. A weird dream he wouldn’t even be able to imagine by himself if he wanted to. Once he calmed down, he frowned. What was he supposed to do now? Should he like the post? Comment on it? Should he ignore it? He had absolutely no idea. Part of him wanted to message the guy. 

The guy. Who was he?

Frowning again, Tsukishima focused on the drawing, trying to recognize the clothes. He knew the artist could have drawn any sort of clothing, that it wasn’t necessarily loyal to how he was actually dressed the day he had been sketched. But he still had hope and after a few minutes of thinking, he recognized it. Those were the clothes he was wearing three days ago. What had he done that day? He hadn’t come out of his place save for his morning classes, the park and then…

_The park._

_The cute guy in the park._

So Cute Guy was apparently his favorite artist. Okay, no problem here, no big deal, everything was fine, he could take it the rational way and not freak out over it. Except he couldn’t. The user ‘soggy fries’ was a cute guy living in Tokyo, near his own place and he had drawn him then post the drawing on social media where four thousand people could see. Tsukishima would hate for people to recognize him, if some followers happened to live in Tokyo but honestly? Right now he was more focused on the fact that he could have talked to the guy. He could have met him. Told him he really liked his work and was looking forward to whatever he was up to in the near future. That he had at least twenty sheets blackened by ideas based on his drawings. That he was his main inspiration. 

Without thinking, Tsukishima slid in his private messages and sent the first thing he could think of.

| _Tsukishima Kei_  
Hey

Immediately, he panicked. ‘Hey’. _Really? Don’t you have anything better in stock?_ Sometimes, he really thought he was a desperate case. He tried to find something else to say but what could you tell the artist you admired when you just saw a sketch of yourself? Besides, he had already seen the message. _Wait, what?_

| _Soggy Fries_  
Hey?

Going into full panic mode, Tsukishima shut off his brain and typed a response. 

| _Tsukishima Kei_  
Uh, sorry  
I just saw your recent post and I freaked out  
Because it’s me

The little ‘seen’ was driving him crazy but he told himself the other boy was surely freaking out too. If the roles were reversed, he would be. It took him ten whole minutes to get an answer, almost jumping on his phone like an animal at the notification sound. 

| _Soggy Fries_  
Omg, I am so sorry, I can take it down if you want! I didn’t think you would see it, I should have asked for your permission, I’m sorry!  
| _Tsukishima Kei_  
No, no!  
It’s… Okay, I guess?  
Well, it’s a little weird but it’s okay.  
Actually, I wanted to say that I’ve been a fan for a long time and that your work regularly inspires me so thanks, really  
| _Soggy Fries_  
Thanks!  
Sorry, I don’t really know how to respond to compliments, ahah

Unsure of what to do, Tsukishima liked the message and locked his phone. And now, what? He’d like to keep the conversation going but he had always been more of a listener than a talker and he didn’t know what to say anymore. He had already told the man he loved his work and what he represented for him. And that was it.

His life hadn’t changed because of it and, he was weirdly relieved about it.

The sudden notification sound startled him. He frowned. 

| _Soggy Fries_  
Would you mind showing me a piece of your writing? Only if you want to!  
| _Tsukishima Kei_  
Oh  
Yeah, why not?  
I’ll just take a picture  
| _Soggy Fries_  
Thanks!  
| _Tsukishima Kei  
sent a photo_

Never in his life had Tsukishima felt so nervous before.

* * *

_There’s a stranger in my head._

_It’s been two days since he arrived and I already know I won’t forget him, I can’t. I miss his piercing gaze on me, I miss the calm feeling I had when I felt him looking right through me. I don’t know the sound of his voice nor do I know how many freckles he has. All I know is, I want to hear him talk, laugh, and giggle. I want to count the stars blessing his skin, I want to trace a thousand constellations with it and invent new ones with silly names we would be the only ones to know._

_He’s beautiful, of that I’m sure. A sad kind of beautiful, like a shooting star falling through the night sky, looking for a place to last a little bit longer. But I’m certain the smile he didn’t wear that day would be more powerful than the sun itself, lighting up the world with a unique brightness. My world._

_He looked like the weight of the entire universe had fallen onto his shoulders and I know he is a strong man, stronger than he is letting on - how, I’m not sure but it’s a feeling I have. But he shouldn’t be alone to bear this burden. I truly hope pain is a feeling he can’t relate to. And I hope to be mistaken when I say that he is alone. Such a stunning light should never be tainted by the pangs of anguish. What does he keep to himself so stubbornly? I would be curious to know. Better, I would be willing to._

_I don’t know his name._

_But there’s a stranger in my head._

* * *

| _Tsukishima Kei_  
It’s really short and not that great but that’s the last thing I wrote spontaneously  


Had Tsukishima been naive, he would have thought that the sudden rush he felt was caused by the temperature of his room and certainly not by his own nervousness.

| _Soggy Fries_  
Yamaguchi Tadashi  
That’s my name  
And uh  
Would like to get coffee? With me, I mean  
Like as a date?

Feeling relief flooding over him, Tsukishima chuckled happily, which was quite out of character for him but he didn’t care one bit. And then he realized. Yamaguchi Tadashi, the artist he thought was the cutest boy he had ever seen, was asking him out on a date. Tsukishima didn’t respond right away, taking the time to enjoy the new feelings growing in his chest. He didn’t know what it was for now, but he was happy to feel it nonetheless.

| _Tsukishima Kei_  
I’d love to go on a date with you, Yamaguchi.

**Author's Note:**

> Did I project a little too much on Yamaguchi? Yeah I did uhuh
> 
> I hope you liked it, comments & kudos are always appreciated!


End file.
